Accidentally Skyward (Space Soup Book 1). New text, audiobook and movie chapter every Monday
Chapter 6 audiobook:
Chapter 6 movie:
Henrietta Millicent God... sat back on her hoverbananalounge on the Last Resort pool-deck beside Juliette, watching half-drowned LAST guests being rescued by scowling FIRST lifeguards. The artificial sun cast rainbow-tinged light that bent unnaturally around the resort’s edges, creating shadows that moved in defiance of conventional physics. The air smelled of ozone and expensive perfumes, with undertones of something ancient that made most normals’ nostrils itch. The undertone wasn’t strictly necessary, but HMG had learned long ago that normals needed something to complain about. Especially when there was nothing to complain about.
Juliette nodded toward a team of firsts, performing chest compressions on a seven-chested errorpronian last who had mistaken the pool for their cocktail.
HMG left them to it. There simply weren’t enough seconds in any given day to get involved in everyone’s affairs. Besides, she’d just thought of something. An important something.
‘I just thought of something,’ HMG said brightly. ‘An important something. A something that might change the nature of planets blowing up or not blowing up. Or at least my role in any such blowing up or not. Forever more. And possibly even then some.’
Juliette raised her eyebrows, pausing mid-sip of her drink.
‘If I get this right, this contest, I mean… this selection of a backup god. I’ll be able to delegate them all sorts of horrible thinkerwork… like overseeing or preventing planetary obliterations for the rest of their miserable life. And, as people and peoply things in this me-forsaken universe live as long as I floody-well want, that would mean a whole lot more pool time. I might even have space to try out that dance class I’ve been wanting to for ages. I mean… literally… for ages.’
Juliette finished her sip, nodded and smiled. ‘That’s nice, sis, but I thought you needed to kill the winner to make the contest fair.’
HMG sighed. ‘Yes, there is that.’
‘That one’s a chance,’ Juliette said, nodding toward the edge of the pool.
‘No,’ HMG said, shaking her head. ‘These lasts are already ruined because I accidentally made them all first at being last, remember.’ HMG tapped her perfectly manicured fingers against her glass, creating tiny ripples that distorted the glass’s interior reality into something made largely of mint.
‘I don’t mean the errorpronian. I mean the lifeguard working on him. See there. The one at that end… with THAT end.’
HMG scanned the first staff who mostly wore uniforms that adapted to whoever observed them. Formal wear, casual clothes, or mathematical equations, depending on the viewer. HMG’s gaze settled on the lifeguard in question, who was defying even the resort’s unconventional fashion conventions by wearing truly unfortunate yellow swimmers. ‘He does look quite the idiot, but anyone can see he’s a first. A first taking over as god of the universe, even for a day, would be a disaster.’
‘No, I don’t mean for the backup god job. I mean, for the scapegoat we need to blame the whole thing on if this all goes pear-shaped. Think up some dodgy think-history for him on ThinkerLinker, and he’ll be whatever you want him to be. Check out those abs.’ Juliette’s eyes lingered on the lifeguard’s physique. ‘If you don’t need him, I’m sure I can find a job for him. Nothing to do with thinking.’
HMG giggled. ‘Ewww... don’t say things like that. He’s one of my creations.’
‘Yes, you forbid we actually think about relaxing. Having a good time.’ Juliette’s sigh carried the weight of centuries of divine tedium.
‘You know I can’t relax until I have this backup god business sorted out.’
‘Then stop talking about it and pick someone, for your sake. There must be someone you have your eye on... a truly clueless misfit with zero prospects. Someone who’ll barely miss their pathetic mind when it inevitably explodes after you expose them to the true nature of the universe?’ Juliette adjusted her pink pyjamas, which absorbed and reflected light in ways that fabric usually didn’t.
HMG nodded with calculated interest. ‘There is one normal who does look fairly promising. He’s failed every challenge life has ever thrown at him. He’s not even on ThinkerLinker. He really does seem like the consummate fool. He even lives on Earth2, which is being snuffed out tomorrow. So that’s a bonus.’
‘Oh... so… when you said you were putting a sting in the tail of the unpopularity contest, you weren’t actually planning to murder all of the lucky last’s friend and family... you were just selecting someone from an already terminal location?’ Juliette’s eyebrows arched with a mixture of admiration and suspicion. With trace amounts of existential ennui.
‘Same outcome, less actual blood on my hands. And it doesn’t knock the universal free will balance too far out of whack.’
‘Nice. So the Earth2 obliteration is going ahead as scheduled?’ Juliette asked.
‘The MANDATE bored voted yesterday. They’re short on cloning plasma and need to mash up Earth2’s molecules into raw CLASMA for some new investment or other. Something that will pay a whole lot more tax.’
‘I thought it was VETO we were blaming for the Earth2 obliteration?’
‘Were we? It’s becoming harder and harder to keep track of WHOSE blowing up WHAT these eons.’
‘Seems like something worth putting some proper thinks into.’
HMG waved dismissively, the gesture leaving mesmerising trails of phosphorescent light in the poolside air. ‘Whoever’s doing it. It makes a crass sort of sense. Earth2 has been underperforming for decades. The planet is run by a bunch of button pushers.’
‘Can’t you just magic up more flimflams?’
‘Do we have to have the whole universal inflation conversation all over again?’
‘Oh, please you, no. But won’t your candidate just fly off before Earth2 is mashed up?’
HMG gazed into the distance, watching potential events unfold across multiple timelines. She shook her head. ‘He has crippling galactaphobia. Can’t even think onto ThinkerLinker without getting dizzy, let alone board a bonejarring starblaster. He gets vertigo standing on tippy toes.’
‘He sounds perfect. So what’s the holdup? Nominate your pathetic Earth2ling. Take your time off. Earth2 snuffs out. Presto.’
HMG drummed her fingers against the arm of her hoverbananalounge, each tap sending sparkling fractal patterns into the air. ‘Yes, it all sounds very NEAT. THAT’s my biggest concern. It seems TOO neat.’ HMG’s expression darkened. ‘You know how tricksy VETO has become lately. Insiders everywhere. It wouldn’t surprise me if they’ve even infiltrated the Last Resort.’
‘Can’t you make sure?’ Juliette twirled her fingers suggestively.
HMG shook her head, her golden aura flaring blue with her frustration. ‘I can’t willy-nilly twizzle the Brians of the MANDATE bored. I need to be careful with the twizzling. It can’t be anyone too influential or freedom of choice gets diluted and we’re left with everything created in my image. And we know how that turns out.’ Her voice carried the ominous weight of an ancient mistake that was still fresh in mind.
Juliette nodded. ‘Good you, yes. That was a horrible few thousand years. No offence, sis.’
‘None taken. I hated it as much as you did. Respect is one thing. Sycophants buckling every which way... a statue with my face everywhere I turned... quite another. Ugh! I’ll make sure that never happens again.’
Henrietta Millicent God stopped speaking at a sight that took EVEN HER by surprise. She had NEVER been a fan of THAT. This... was no... exception.
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